My partner as my mirror

My partner as my mirror

I met Gergő while giving gym classes to children. I really liked him, I also sensed that he liked me back. He was always nice, funny, open, we talked a lot, but he did not take the lead. I took it as shyness and thought that he needs encouragement.

I had been alone for a while and was looking forward to a relationship.

The wheel of life turned in a way that we spent a couple of nights together during an “accidentally” arranged ski trip. In spite of his pleasant personality and muscular bottom he was quite selfish in bed. He did not even realize that I did not have any orgasms. When he walked out of my life without any words, I did not understand. I felt that I was not good of a woman; I was not good enough for him. I had a really hard time. The biggest slap on the face was when he sent back my DVDs via a friend instead of giving them personally to me.

I had been meeting Enikő in group sessions and I brought this up many times there.

We meditated with the topic during many occasions, but no matter how we resolved it, I had my piece only temporarily. My ego, my vanity could not digest that he left me without any explanation. I was not open to anything new since all my thoughts were gathered around him. After a long period of time Enikő suggested me to ask him to meet and tell me what his view of me was, tell me why he had left. This was so hard on me that I started to cry: I felt it was impossible for me to do such thing. How can I humiliate myself this much?

By that time I had learnt from others’ lives that we had to do exactly those of which we were the most afraid. Up to this day I am very surprised at my strength – maybe supported by Enikő’s faith – that I actually did call him and told him honestly what I wanted. Surprisingly he reacted very positively. The meeting went fine, it was an honest conversation with a lot of positive and also hurtfully true feedbacks. I had a lot to confront myself with. I am still very grateful for myself that I could overcome this obstacle in me. This was when I beat my vanity and fear of being humiliated. Today I only smile at this story and do not understand why it was so difficult back then.

The other twist in the story is Gergő’s so called “shyness”. As it turned out, a few months after our affair he managed to find out the name and phone number of his current fiancée in the most impossible ways after their first meeting. It was a hard but important lesson to realize that there is no such thing as a shy” guy. We, girls create this excuse.

I have a lot of learning from this story. First of all, I only need to be a woman and let the guy be a man. Second of all, there are no life situations which I could not win by stepping over my own shadow. Thirdly, how many times did I move on without thinking about the whys or being too afraid to ask. How much time and bitter aftertaste I could have saved if I had known myself better. Fourth, the most important: I should not have looked for a partner to fill the deficiencies in me but experience my importance, values, lovability.

My new partner should arrive in this wholeness instead. I had heard this sentence so many times but did not understand how to do it. But my intensive inner travels had their positive outcome. I have become a steady person who is not afraid to learn about herself, who believes in the world and herself. Naturally, this was the time for the Man to step into my life. The man I let be a man. Of course, I have been learning a lot from this relationship too: it confronts me with my games and roles. I try to stay awake, watch and learn so that I do not have to get new slaps on the face to be able to develop.

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