Role of my pusillanimity

Role of my pusillanimity

I had to realize my life became heartless recently. I did everything without patience, quickly like a robot, without any empathy, everything was indicated by me ego. This was hardly tolerated by my environment. Objects fell down out of my hands, I broke everything and it showed I actually acted without any emotion.
I decided I search the root cause of this in meditation to see the way I got here.
During the years I have already paid attention to myself to analyze my life situations from the past, as in my childhood I was humiliated by my parents a lot.

I was 1.5 years younger than my sister. We done everything together all the time, but I felt I was living as her shadow. We were differentiated by our parents since we started the school. My sister was the very clever one, she was worth for being educated, trained. She needed to fulfill high expectations. I felt there was something wrong with me as I wasn’t highly educated, I just needed to finish the obligatory schools. My parents put emphasize and told me I didn’t need to go to university just enough to finish the school with average mark. They called me dumb.

My defeatism increased when we stepped into the age, when the boys began to take interest in us. All boys are adored my sister, so my defeatism even more increased. The boys were interested in me but by then I formed such a distorted picture about myself that I thought there could be a big problem with these guys if they wanted to get to know me.

In order to survive my parent’s judgments and hurtful remarks, I closed my feeling and became senseless. This was my ego’s survival program. Of course I had no idea about it and I just swam comfortable with tide. As the years passed I felt something was wrong with me, inside of me, I felt I burnt out. This is how I found the Divine Self-Awareness.

Finally I got to recognize the lack of emotions in myself and my soullessness. I raised my vibration level with the method of Divine Self-Awareness and I asked my Higher Self to show me the root cause of my soullessness. On high vibration level I could see that my conception was saturated with the energy of strong eroticism, so naturally I brought it in myself this energy as a footprint. I had the chance several times during meditations to see, feel the eroticism brought from my previous lives.  Also it was clear to me that I can’t experience any more with this erotic energy in this life, now I do have the possibility to transform it to creative, divine power, transform to spiritual ability. I recognized I needed life situations made me inhibitory to avoid possible sexual deviation. So I understood my parents cruel-looking behavior, it served me to keep the light inside of me closed via shyness and pusillanimity. If I hadn’t close my light with the pusillanimity and soulless program of the ego, I would collected my experiences with lust energy, that would have made me completely outburn and I couldn’t use my talent given by God.

I realized that my sister also served the same aim as my parents: protect my light with pusillanimity. Thanks to this last puzzle piece I understood the behavior of my family.  I’m grateful for all of them and for all the life situations created by them in order not to loose my light until today. Thanks for I can live with my talent and I can be who I’m in truth.

Many thanks for all participants!


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