Transformation of my pusillanimity

Transformation of my pusillanimity

I’m writing my below story apropos of topic which came up on women grouped meeting. During and after the guided meditation became completely clear to me the origin of my pusillanimity.

My patrilineal grandfather was grown up in a very poor family during the Second World War. In additionally he caught poliomyelitis so he became lame in the left foot.
In spite the hard circumstances he got next to a master and entered a profession.  Despite of his physical disability he was a hard worker and he sold his own goods made by him diligently. Later he ran a store, in the time when the self-employment wasn’t so easy and neither popular to do. He was a well-respected person on local level.
He belonged to the first four people in the village who was able to buy a car at that time. He had two daughters and a son (my father). Two girls had to help in housework and in venture. My father was born when his sisters were teenager so he was spoilt. He had everything he wanted but he couldn’t value it. My grandfather helped all of his children to start their life, supported them to launch their own business. My father got his own car repair shop to ensure his family’s financials. Unfortunately he couldn’t appreciate it. He repaired his friend’s car for free – his friends didn’t pay anything or just a drink was paid for him in the pub for his job.
Before and after work he went to the pub. He couldn’t respect his own company what he got from my grandfather. He wasn’t a mature man neither a responsible father. He spent all of his money all the time. His parents treated him as a black sheep as he had lots of messy affairs and he lost also the family fortune. As my father was treated by his family like a bad guy we – his children – also were treated badly by them and not only by the family but also by the people in the village. We were discriminated in the school also.

I think at this time I started to feel I was inferior, I was not as much as other, I didn’t have so much right than others, I was marked. My pusillanimity formed, I didn’t respect myself. I thought due to my family situation I couldn’t get more, only that was my life.
I couldn’t respect myself in my childhood and I couldn’t respect my whole being, I couldn’t respect that I was a woman!

I can’t complain about my current life, I try to be in the feeling of love and harmony and if I do so I feel love and harmony come back to me from others. Unfortunately I can’t keep this level all the time and fall back sometimes, mainly in my job. I got new role, I was promoted and it brought more responsibilities and more tasks to do. Often I feel I need it, because it is good for me to face new tasks and new challenges that I can fulfill so I’m successful in it. Another time I wish a calmer workplace, due to the stress, mainly when I woke up during the night and the work is in my brain.

At home I’m in harmony with my partner; we respect and understand each other. Our relationship changed a lot. I have a good relationship with my children; our relationship has improved a lot. I’m a little bit surprised about the respect I got from my older son, but it is a great pleasure for me.


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